"peaking in high school" (Not)
May. 19th, 2022 10:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
letterstonowhere today I went to see my high school's spring band concert. I came home from college last week, and some of my friends were going to support their siblings so I decided to tag along, because what else is there to do on a thursday night in suburbia? at the risk of sounding ridiculously cheesy—but this is MY blog so I don't particularly care how cheesy it is—I felt a lot of feelings that I really did not expect. the friend I sat with and I were there to laugh and complain about high school, but in all honesty, it doesn't feel genuine when I'm the one doing the complaining.
yes, I only graduated just last year, but it felt weird to be back. I had never gone to a concert where I was the one in the audience instead of onstage. I even found myself questioning if I was supposed to dress nicely for this, because the idea of showing up to the auditorium in anything other than my concert black dress is so foreign to me. it was strange, watching from the back as the symphonic band played, and then I started to think about last year.
like just about every other life event, covid fucked up my senior year of high school. in the grand scheme of things it could've been worse. I was lucky to be in person for most of the year, and get to play in band while so many other schools didn't. however, seeing this concert and watching how everything seemed to be back to normal was bittersweet. last year, my band director never flat out said it, but it was pretty obvious, at least to me, that the songs he had picked for the year were far easier than what we normally played. I guess it made sense, because the school bell schedule had been rearranged due to covid and (very necessary, don't get me wrong) precautions made it difficult to have any semblance of a normal rehearsal, despite being in person. because of that, I don't think I ever got any closure. it feels surreal that I spent this past school year alone in a brand new state hours away, because sometimes I still feel like I never graduated high school. maybe that sounds a little like I peaked in high school, but I don't think so. I love being at college. I knew I wanted to go out of state, and I don't regret it. I love living in an urban area with easily accessible public transportation and so many different things to see and do. my tiny suburban midwestern hometown absolutely pales in comparison. so no, I don't really miss high school, and I don't regret going to college.
I just feel like I never got proper closure. sure, I walked across the stage on the football field, my graduation cords weighing on my neck as I threw my cap into the air, but it wasn't enough. maybe I'm greedy, maybe I'm selfish. I know it is, because of how terrible the real world is outside of my bubble of high school, but I think I still deserve to mourn that half-baked senior year. all through my life, I looked forward to senior year. my good friend and I would be the section leaders of the flutes in marching band and I had already started making mental notes about the group bonding activities I wanted to do with everyone. and then marching season came, and none of that happened. we played a few games, but we sat socially distanced instead of crammed in the stands, and didn't even get to do real marching formations like usual. it was underwhelming and I barely remember it, it felt so insignificant. and the rest of senior year went just about the same exact way. everything happened, but none of it was "normal" like it was supposed to be.
after the concert, my friend and I went to the band room corridor as the high schoolers packed up their instruments and went home. once again, it felt off. we both felt the exact same way. I should be the one cleaning out my flute and zipping up my piccolo case and going to get ice cream afterwards. but instead i stood there in my jeans and t-shirt. sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who hasn't moved on, because I genuinely enjoyed getting to say hi to my senior and junior band friends. it had only been a year away but it felt like much longer as I hugged one of my favorite seniors and talked excitedly with my old band directors. It really was great to see them again. I sound like I've been away for decades, but it just felt like I was where I was supposed to be, back in the band hall cracking jokes.
I know we can't just pretend covid never happened. I especially know this, because I still wear my mask and during the semester got tested every week. I know there's no way to redo it, to wake up one morning to find that covid never existed, no matter how many times I wish there was. I used to see so many people on TikTok (before I deleted that godforsaken app) talk about how they wished they could go back to the first lockdown era of their lives, and that is absolutely unbelievable to me. me? I would go back to January of 2020, and live my life out covid-free. but time travel isn't possible, and there's no going back. I think this is a quite unique feeling that no one other than people in my graduating class could possibly have. sure, plenty of people have a difficult transition to college, but they didn't have covid looming at every twist and turn.
I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, other than my assorted feelings. covid fucking sucks, but that's nothing new; I've been thinking that thought for the past two years straight. maybe it makes me sound childish, because at least from my perspective, it feels like everyone loves college and adulthood and not-being-home. I don't think my best memories will be from high school. right now most of them are, because that's all I know. I've only been through one year of college, after all. I've still got my entire life ahead of me, and I am positive that so many more important memories will be made during that journey. but right now, I think I'm allowed to mourn my high school life.
yes, I only graduated just last year, but it felt weird to be back. I had never gone to a concert where I was the one in the audience instead of onstage. I even found myself questioning if I was supposed to dress nicely for this, because the idea of showing up to the auditorium in anything other than my concert black dress is so foreign to me. it was strange, watching from the back as the symphonic band played, and then I started to think about last year.
like just about every other life event, covid fucked up my senior year of high school. in the grand scheme of things it could've been worse. I was lucky to be in person for most of the year, and get to play in band while so many other schools didn't. however, seeing this concert and watching how everything seemed to be back to normal was bittersweet. last year, my band director never flat out said it, but it was pretty obvious, at least to me, that the songs he had picked for the year were far easier than what we normally played. I guess it made sense, because the school bell schedule had been rearranged due to covid and (very necessary, don't get me wrong) precautions made it difficult to have any semblance of a normal rehearsal, despite being in person. because of that, I don't think I ever got any closure. it feels surreal that I spent this past school year alone in a brand new state hours away, because sometimes I still feel like I never graduated high school. maybe that sounds a little like I peaked in high school, but I don't think so. I love being at college. I knew I wanted to go out of state, and I don't regret it. I love living in an urban area with easily accessible public transportation and so many different things to see and do. my tiny suburban midwestern hometown absolutely pales in comparison. so no, I don't really miss high school, and I don't regret going to college.
I just feel like I never got proper closure. sure, I walked across the stage on the football field, my graduation cords weighing on my neck as I threw my cap into the air, but it wasn't enough. maybe I'm greedy, maybe I'm selfish. I know it is, because of how terrible the real world is outside of my bubble of high school, but I think I still deserve to mourn that half-baked senior year. all through my life, I looked forward to senior year. my good friend and I would be the section leaders of the flutes in marching band and I had already started making mental notes about the group bonding activities I wanted to do with everyone. and then marching season came, and none of that happened. we played a few games, but we sat socially distanced instead of crammed in the stands, and didn't even get to do real marching formations like usual. it was underwhelming and I barely remember it, it felt so insignificant. and the rest of senior year went just about the same exact way. everything happened, but none of it was "normal" like it was supposed to be.
after the concert, my friend and I went to the band room corridor as the high schoolers packed up their instruments and went home. once again, it felt off. we both felt the exact same way. I should be the one cleaning out my flute and zipping up my piccolo case and going to get ice cream afterwards. but instead i stood there in my jeans and t-shirt. sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who hasn't moved on, because I genuinely enjoyed getting to say hi to my senior and junior band friends. it had only been a year away but it felt like much longer as I hugged one of my favorite seniors and talked excitedly with my old band directors. It really was great to see them again. I sound like I've been away for decades, but it just felt like I was where I was supposed to be, back in the band hall cracking jokes.
I know we can't just pretend covid never happened. I especially know this, because I still wear my mask and during the semester got tested every week. I know there's no way to redo it, to wake up one morning to find that covid never existed, no matter how many times I wish there was. I used to see so many people on TikTok (before I deleted that godforsaken app) talk about how they wished they could go back to the first lockdown era of their lives, and that is absolutely unbelievable to me. me? I would go back to January of 2020, and live my life out covid-free. but time travel isn't possible, and there's no going back. I think this is a quite unique feeling that no one other than people in my graduating class could possibly have. sure, plenty of people have a difficult transition to college, but they didn't have covid looming at every twist and turn.
I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, other than my assorted feelings. covid fucking sucks, but that's nothing new; I've been thinking that thought for the past two years straight. maybe it makes me sound childish, because at least from my perspective, it feels like everyone loves college and adulthood and not-being-home. I don't think my best memories will be from high school. right now most of them are, because that's all I know. I've only been through one year of college, after all. I've still got my entire life ahead of me, and I am positive that so many more important memories will be made during that journey. but right now, I think I'm allowed to mourn my high school life.